Relaxed yet Serious, Anxious yet Perfunctory - Huxiu#
#Omnivore
Highlights#
If you mess up an exam due to excessive nervousness, few will have the heart to scold you again; but what if you mess up an exam due to being overly relaxed? You will be scolded to death. ⤴️ ^c13104f1
The Reality of Life
When children play games, whether they are playing with blocks or sand, they focus on what they are doing, without pressure, regret for past mistakes, or imagining future dangers. ⤴️ ^10312569
This feels a bit like Andy's game.
On the surface, we are very anxious and uneasy about completing something, trying to mobilize all our mental resources to do it well; but in fact, our minds are always drifting in the past and floating in the future, just not looking at the world in front of us.
In this state, we are like a motor running idle, constantly wasting energy to calm our turbulent hearts and defend our frightened souls. ⤴️ ^12f62465
The description here is very apt; I feel that most of the time when I want to work hard to complete something while feeling anxious, it is like this.
Relaxed or anxious, this is the self-state of the inner world; serious or perfunctory, this is the degree of self-involvement in the objective world. ⤴️ ^29368bec
I once asked, why are you so anxious?
The answer is that only when people are anxious can they be sure they are doing their best, which reduces the fear of potential failure. ⤴️ ^6856f0d6
By making oneself anxious and suffering, one offsets the frustration after failure.
Anxiety is actually used as a kind of "disclaimer."
Its hidden message is: I have worked so hard and am so anxious, please scold me less if I fail. ⤴️ ^8a8c9587
Anxiety is actually used as a kind of "disclaimer." ⤴️ ^ffe3fa63
Yes, yes, yes!
It is not easy to be relaxed yet serious because you cannot "try hard to relax yourself." ⤴️ ^a204efc2
Therefore, what we need to do is not to find the target path and then strive forward, but to operate in reverse, first removing the obstacles that interfere with our relaxation and sleep, and then patiently waiting for it to come naturally.
It is not about making it happen, but letting it happen. ⤴️ ^ff50e9d9
Relaxed yet Serious, Anxious yet Perfunctory#
This article explores people's understanding of anxiety and relaxation, as well as the phenomenon of often associating anxiety with seriousness in learning and work. The author believes that relaxation and happiness are not negative terms but states that can coexist with seriousness and effort. The article also mentions that people often view anxiety as a symbol of effort, but in reality, anxiety is just a waste of mental resources and is unrelated to productivity.
• The phenomenon of associating anxiety with seriousness in culture
• Children can concentrate on learning in a relaxed state
• A relaxed yet serious state can improve work efficiency
I
Our culture has a strange trait of intentionally or unintentionally interpreting anxiety, tension, and worry as somewhat positive meanings, while viewing relaxation, ease, and happiness as negative terms.
The most common example is in academics and work; although there are no explicit regulations, we all seem to default to "anxiety ≈ seriousness."
Studying seriously is called 苦学 (hard study);
Working seriously is called 苦干 (hard work);
Practicing seriously is called 苦练 (hard practice);
In any case, 苦 (suffering) is the norm.
It is hard to imagine a child studying happily, and then teachers or classmates would marvel: "Ah, this child is very diligent."
This has a somewhat self-abusive connotation, as if only by making oneself uncomfortable can one be attentive, serious, and productive; otherwise, it does not count as giving one's all.
In fact, just based on the literal meaning, we all understand that the two are completely different:
"Effort" refers to the degree of effort, while "happiness" is a psychological state; the two are not inherently in conflict;
Seriousness refers to the depth of mental investment, while anxiety refers to a restless and uneasy mood; the two are not inherently bound together.
If seriousness means one must be anxious and tense, then before the college entrance examination, teachers should not say, "Relax a bit, don't be nervous, keep a calm mind," but should say, "You! Be serious! Be nervous! Be anxious!"—only then can you perform at 100% strength.
It can be seen that teachers also know that a person in a relaxed state can still concentrate highly and may even have a greater probability of achieving 100% productivity.
But strangely, we still require students to be tense regularly, and even criticize students in certain grades: "What time is it, and you are still not tense?"
After years of training, people no longer believe they can remain relaxed while giving their all.
II
Is it possible for children to concentrate on learning while feeling happy?
Is it possible for you to work seriously while remaining relaxed, and even occasionally feel happy?
Yes, but we rarely think this way.
After all, the education we receive from a young age teaches us that anxiety is good, tension is good, but ease, relaxation, and happiness are not.
Imagine, ==if you mess up an exam due to excessive nervousness, few will have the heart to scold you again; but if you mess up an exam due to being overly relaxed? You will be scolded to death.==
This is because, many times, we interpret a person's anxious state as: look, they have tried their best.
But to me, that is not called trying hard; that is just suffering.
Suffering does not mean being productive; being productive does not mean one must suffer mentally.
If your definition of "trying hard" is to actively strive to keep anxiety and unease at the psychological limit—well, then I surrender; that is indeed called trying hard; but if you, like me, believe that "trying hard" means being fully focused and investing as much mental resources as possible—then anxiety has nothing to do with "trying hard."
Anxiety is the most common form of mental resource waste, accompanied by fear and regret.
III
If you have observed children playing games, you know that humans can achieve a state of "relaxed yet serious."
==When children play games, whether they are playing with blocks or sand, they focus on what they are doing, without pressure, regret for past mistakes, or imagining future dangers.==
Even when toddlers are learning, such as learning to walk or talk, they often blur the boundaries between learning and playing—learning and playing are generally the same fun.
In this state, people pour most of their mental resources into "things" and experience "flow," momentarily forgetting the passage of time.
In contrast, the more common state for us adults is "anxious yet perfunctory."
==On the surface, we are very anxious and uneasy about completing something, trying to mobilize all our mental resources to do it well; but in fact, our minds are always drifting in the past and floating in the future, just not looking at the world in front of us.==
==In this state, we are like a motor running idle, constantly wasting energy to calm our turbulent hearts and defend our frightened souls.==
In this situation, how much mental resources can you invest in "things"?
IV
Some netizens say, does playing games help you relax? My son gets very irritable when he plays games, with emotions fluctuating greatly, yelling, and even throwing things.
I completely understand; I have seen such children, and I myself once spent a long time in a dark corner of an internet café—who hasn't been a gaming addict for a year or two?
When immersed in a game, encountering unexpected setbacks, children can easily experience emotional ups and downs, even displaying some aggressive language and actions.
The reason is that children project their "self" into it, mistakenly believing that the character is themselves, and the game concerns their gains, losses, honor, disgrace, success, and safety.
Rationally, we understand that games are not us, phones are not us, winning or losing cannot evaluate our worth, and even "feelings" are not the "self" itself, but we still feel real harm due to setbacks in the game.
Children are always easily serious.
Adults do not fare much better psychologically; they just know how to restrain themselves and hide their feelings better.
In the large-scale immersive online game called "work," adults know they cannot scream at any time, cannot throw things, cannot curse their boss, and cannot suddenly burst into tears.
It is quite helpless to think about it.
Where did that child go, who was focused on playing with blocks, who was curious about everything, who was willing to try and fail countless times, and who found everything fun?
"Life's troubles begin with literacy."
V
==Relaxed or anxious, this is the self-state of the inner world; serious or perfunctory, this is the degree of self-involvement in the objective world.==
"The Inner Game of Tennis" states that everyone faces two games when playing tennis: one is the external tennis game, and the other is the unique "inner game" they experience—whether the external game can achieve 100% strength depends on how well they play the inner game.
The author says that in the inner game, everyone has two selves. One is self 1, which has clear awareness and likes to comment and direct everything; the other is self 2, which has no clear awareness and silently controls nerves, muscles, etc.
The key to this game is whether you have handled your relationship with yourself well, allowing self 1 and self 2 to coexist harmoniously.
Playing the inner game well means that self 1 highly trusts self 2, does not evaluate or direct, and allows self 2 to perform freely, entering a state of "forgetting oneself";
Playing the inner game poorly means that self 1 highly doubts self 2, engages in various pointless chatter, and then takes the stage to direct chaotically.
For example.
Suppose you accidentally hit a bad shot, and then you catch a glimpse of your parents/coach seemingly shaking their heads, so you secretly scold yourself: "So bad, they must be very disappointed."
Soon, you hit another bad shot, and you feel even more frustrated, thinking: "Really useless."
At this moment, self 1 strongly dominates the inner game, leading to two unnecessary things:
-
Mobilizing unnecessary muscle groups, such as overexerting the arm or overly tensing facial muscles, even showing a deep frown;
-
Unfolding a bunch of meaningless evaluations against oneself, unknowingly falling into the "trap of criticism."
At first, "this is really a bad shot"; then, "I just can't hit this kind of shot"; next, "I might really have no talent"; then, "I am really a terrible player"; finally, "I am really worthless!"
Ah, it is just a tennis game, but one can feel so dejected as to think they have no value—what a disconnect.
Is this strange?
Not strange; replace tennis with college entrance exams, speeches, job hunting, or blind dates—and this feeling becomes much more familiar.
This explains well why people often exhibit a state of "anxious yet perfunctory" when dealing with matters.
They are defeated in the inner game, falling into deep insecurity about "self-worth," exhausted and suffering, leaving no energy to handle a small matter in the objective world.
Even if it is just making a PPT.
Every anxious yet perfunctory person is engaged in a life-and-death struggle with themselves.
VI
I have some friends who are very hardworking and ambitious, but they do not find much joy in "striving," and they easily get overwhelmed by anxiety, even if they eventually achieve their desired results, they are only happy for a while.
From my years of observation, when they are in a state of anxiety, not only do they not improve efficiency, but they also tend to eat poorly and sleep badly, so their entire process of "striving" feels like they are escaping from some high-speed chase.
==I once asked, why are you so anxious?==
==The answer is that only when people are anxious can they be sure they are doing their best, which reduces the fear of potential failure.==
This may stem from some insecurity: not working hard—failure—low self-worth—danger.
In such a logical chain, ==anxiety is actually used as a kind of "disclaimer."==
==Its hidden message is: I have worked so hard and am so anxious, please scold me less if I fail.==
This is truly a terrible notion.
In fact, even if you are not anxious, you can still do things well, and may even do better.
VII
Being relaxed yet serious is like holding a handful of sand properly.
You need to use a bit of strength, but not too much.
When you relax your hand and gently hold a handful of sand, the sand will not easily slip through your fingers, even for five or ten minutes.
But if I scare you, saying that if you lose a grain of sand you will be fined ten thousand, you will become tense and anxious, and it will be very easy for the sand to slip out.
Being relaxed yet serious is also like picking up broken porcelain dishes.
If your fingers are relaxed and soft enough, even if the ceramic shards are sharp, they are not likely to cut you when they touch your fingers.
But if I scare you, saying you must finish in three minutes, or scolding you harshly for being clumsy and useless, your fingers will inevitably stiffen, and you will likely cut your hand.
The best state is like this: soft, relaxed, and firm.
Or a feeling similar to this: Be quick, but don't worry.
And a more fitting description: relaxed concentration.
VIII
==It is not easy to be relaxed yet serious because you cannot "try hard to relax yourself."==
This may be quite unfamiliar for those who believe "effort guarantees success."
When you command yourself to "relax, relax, quickly relax," you are mostly unable to enter a relaxed state;
When you demand of yourself to "sleep quickly, sleep quickly, quickly sleep," you are mostly preparing for a sleepless night.
Relaxation, like sleep, is something that comes naturally and cannot be obtained through "demand."
==Therefore, what we need to do is not to find the target path and then strive forward, but to operate in reverse, first removing the obstacles that interfere with our relaxation and sleep, and then patiently waiting for it to come naturally.==
==It is not about making it happen, but letting it happen.==
"The Inner Game of Tennis" has given me a lot of inspiration—the book states that the first obstacle we need to remove is "self-criticism," or rather, letting go of evaluation.
When a tennis ball lands out of bounds, Player A might criticize internally: "Ah, bad shot, this shot is really terrible!"
Player B might think: "Good shot! The opponent is starting to make mistakes."
This depends on their perspective.
But for the referee, there is no such thing as a good or bad shot; they only see one thing: an out-of-bounds ball.
An out-of-bounds ball is just an out-of-bounds ball, with no good or bad.
When an "out-of-bounds ball" is projected into different inner lakes, it creates completely different ripples; some are happy, some are worried, some are angry, and some lament, while only the neutral referee quietly keeps score.
"The players' judgments of 'good' or 'bad' regarding this shot are not the essence of the shot. Those are merely evaluations they impose on the shot based on their own reactions in their minds."
What we need to do is to be like that referee, accurately describing and recording what is in front of us, without overly activating filters—seeing things as they truly are, this is rationality.
The mind is like a mirror; its job is to reflect reality accurately; but if the mind is like a funhouse mirror, what you see are all kinds of strange distorted images.
IX
As mentioned above, I believe that anxiety/relaxation and seriousness/perfunctory do not have an absolute one-to-one mapping relationship. In this world, there are people who are anxiously serious, anxiously perfunctory, as well as those who are relaxed yet serious and relaxed yet perfunctory.
Ultimately, whether you are serious or perfunctory depends only on how much mental resources you can invest; and whether you are anxious or relaxed depends only on how you can settle your mind and soul.
I believe the most ideal state is still the "relaxed yet serious" mentioned earlier because seriousness helps you increase your chances of success, while a relaxed you can better focus on the "present" and experience a bit of joy in the process of doing things.
Conversely, the worst state is "anxious yet perfunctory" because if you are perfunctory with things, they will also be perfunctory with you, and in the process, you are likely to be unhappy, making time feel like a year.
Relaxation and seriousness are not contradictory; anxiety and perfunctoriness can coexist.
Long-termism and living in the moment are also not contradictory.
You can be full of positive expectations for the future while living each day very seriously in the present.
Conclusion
"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" has a section that specifically discusses "anxiety," which I feel is deeper than what has been written above, so let's use it as a conclusion.
"Anxiety is another trap. It is the opposite of the self.
If you are sure that nothing you do is right, then you will be very afraid. It is this factor that often prevents you from taking action, rather than laziness. This excessive worry often leads to various mistakes, causing you to fix things that don't need fixing, worry about imagined troubles, and then come to various absurd conclusions.
You will attribute various problems to the machine due to your tension. Once the machine really has some issues, it further validates your initial underestimation of yourself, leading to more mistakes. This vicious cycle continues, constantly giving yourself various blows.
To break this vicious cycle, I think you should write down your anxieties and refer to various books and magazines. Because you have anxiety as motivation, you will study hard. The more you study, the calmer you will become.
You must remember that what you seek is inner peace, not just fixing the machine."
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