Why Are You Always Too Afraid to Trouble Others? - Huxiu#
#Omnivore
Highlights#
In such an environment, making one's words and actions "appropriate" becomes a very important thing. Because it indicates that you are a highly socialized person, capable of understanding this set of social norms and adapting well to this society. Conversely, you may be rejected and eliminated by this society.
Therefore, we easily place "conforming to social norms" before "my own thoughts," using "what I should do" to constrain "what I want to do." ⤴️ ^816d9876
Highly socialized people worry about being eliminated for doing things that do not conform to social norms; this is essential.
Because they do not know whether their "troubling" others is "appropriate," or whether it conforms to social norms. ⤴️ ^5f100aa3
Understanding what kind of situation you are currently in and what way to communicate and express is appropriate according to "social norms." ⤴️ ^54a118b1
Reading the air
In our social norms, if I trouble you, I owe you a favor, and I must repay this favor later. This may be providing you with equivalent help in some aspects or repaying you in other ways. ⤴️ ^7c48bd76
My understanding here is different; people need to owe favors to create opportunities for others to help them. If everything is clear-cut, many opportunities for follow-up are lost. This difference is particularly evident among different groups; for example, the poor fear owing favors more, as each exchange of benefits is equivalent, leading to many relationships fading. In contrast, interactions among the wealthy are often unbalanced, resulting in repeated exchanges of benefits and favors, thus bringing relationships closer.
This forms a "contract": I do not want you to occupy my time for no reason, so I also do not want to occupy your time for no reason. ⤴️ ^d993bcbf
This point is well made; because I do not want you to trouble me, I do not trouble you.
It is simply a safer strategy. ⤴️ ^3d28a8e4
Indeed, it is a more prudent and safer strategy, but it is certainly not a good strategy. A good strategy is to connect with others, not to maintain distance.
Why Are You Always Too Afraid to Trouble Others?#
This article explores why some people are always afraid to trouble others. The author believes this mindset is related to social norms, personal character, and the contract regarding time. The article presents three beliefs to help overcome this mindset.
• The fear of troubling others stems from concerns about whether one's behavior conforms to social norms.
• Helping others can bring positive feedback, and there is no need to overly worry about occupying others' time.
• Maintaining transparent and honest communication can improve mutual understanding and support.
A few days ago, in a group discussion with readers, someone raised this question: Why am I always so afraid to trouble others?
He said: When I need to coordinate with colleagues at work, I am always particularly worried about affecting others and only act when I can no longer delay;
When I usually need to ask others for help, I always carry a lot of psychological burdens and need to prepare mentally for a long time before I can speak up;
Even if it’s just making a phone call, I keep postponing it, constantly asking myself, "Is it necessary to find an appropriate time?"...
I find this topic very interesting. Therefore, today I want to analyze: why are some people always so afraid to trouble others and shy about making requests and seeking help?
Some may think: this is simple; we have been taught since childhood: parents always teach us not to trouble others unnecessarily and to solve problems on our own whenever possible.
But this does not answer the question; it merely replaces the question with another: why do we have such habits and cultural environments? Why do our parents educate us this way?
Similarly, many may wonder: could it be because we fear rejection? Because we are afraid our requests will be rejected, we hesitate to make requests.
However, it is not that simple. For example: coordinating with others at work, making a phone call, or even just conveying a simple message—these things are clearly not likely to be rejected, yet many still worry and fear troubling others.
Moreover, many people feel uncomfortable when waitstaff provide overly enthusiastic service— we might prefer that they remain unobtrusive and only appear when we need them. In this case, it is clearly not about fearing "rejection."
Another possibility is that some believe: when we seek help from others, the subtext is that we place ourselves in a "weaker" position, and we do not want to admit our weakness, so we are reluctant to ask others for help.
This statement may apply to some situations of seeking help—but it certainly cannot be equated with "fearing to trouble others." It is evident that these are completely different matters.
So, why do we have the mindset of "fearing to trouble others"? What is the underlying mechanism?
I want to delve deeper into this issue with you.
1
First, let’s consider it from a cultural perspective.
Once a society forms a relatively fixed cultural hierarchy and circles, it easily gives rise to a phenomenon: where you are is more important than "who you are."
For example, in ancient times, within a family, who you are related to—your parents, siblings, and what kind of kinship you have with others—might be more important than "who you are" itself. This is because your position determines the closeness of your relationships with others and the resources you can access.
The reason is simple: such a society is structured; the entire society is built through relationships between people, which means various "pits" have already been dug, and each person is placed in the corresponding pit.
Especially when a society has a certain history, this phenomenon easily settles down, forming a set of social norms.
Under this set of social norms, everyone has certain rules and requirements about what to say, how to communicate, and what posture to adopt in different situations and with different people.
We are constantly constrained by these external social norms, which guide our interactions and communications with others.
If our words and actions conform to these social norms, we can call it "appropriate"; conversely, it is "inappropriate."
This phenomenon exists in every society, differing only in degree: some societies are limited to smaller circles; others place greater emphasis on this, using it to guide everyone's behavior on a larger scale.
In such an environment, striving to make one's words and actions "appropriate" becomes very important. Because it indicates that you are a highly socialized person, capable of understanding this set of social norms and adapting well to this society. Conversely, you may be rejected and eliminated by this society.
Therefore, we easily place "conforming to social norms" before "my own thoughts," using "what I should do" to constrain "what I want to do."
So, why do some people always fear troubling others? A core reason is: because they do not know whether their "troubling" others is "appropriate," or whether it conforms to social norms.
2
This viewpoint can explain many phenomena.
Why do our parents always teach us: try to solve problems on your own and do not trouble others? The reason is simple: solving problems on your own is always the lower-risk choice.
And once it involves "cooperating with others" or "seeking help from others," the risk increases—you need to consider whether your behavior conforms to social norms and whether it is within the bounds of appropriateness. This easily exposes our shortcomings and weaknesses.
Similarly, our culture values "emotional intelligence." Here, emotional intelligence is not what psychology refers to. The latter is accurately called "emotional intelligence," which is the ability to perceive and manage emotions. The former is closer to a capacity for "reading the room" and "understanding the context": that is, understanding what kind of situation you are currently in and what way to communicate and express is appropriate according to "social norms."
It is evident that this ability is very important in our society because it means you are a highly socialized person, someone who can adapt well to this society and thrive within it.
Another interesting point: recently, stand-up comedy has become very popular, and I have seen many people explaining that "stand-up comedy is an art of offense." I am an outsider to this field. But I think, if that is the case, it may be very out of place—because in our cultural context, "offense" is considered very inappropriate and completely contrary to our social norms.
Of course, this is not about superiority or inferiority, nor is there a right or wrong—culture has no good or bad, only diversity and difference. However, when a culture enters another environment, it must adapt to local customs to truly integrate.
Finally, another very important phenomenon is "human feelings."
In our social norms, if I trouble you, I owe you a favor, and I must repay this favor later. This may be providing you with equivalent help in some aspects or repaying you in other ways.
For highly socialized people, this exchange of favors is something they thrive in; it can become a positive cycle. In this process, both parties deepen their relationship, exchange resources, gain more benefits, and achieve a win-win situation.
But a person who worries about "is this appropriate" clearly lacks this ability. For them, this only leads to a vicious cycle: I trouble you, owe a favor, and then need to have more interactions and exchanges with you. So, with each interaction and exchange, do I have to think about "how should I act to be appropriate"?
They originally only need to bear the pressure once, but under this social norm, it is equivalent to bearing several times the pressure invisibly.
This may be a significant reason hindering them from taking that step.
3
So, what happens if a person says something inappropriate or does something inappropriate in social situations?
The most direct consequence is that their social evaluation by those around them will decrease.
Everyone has their own social evaluation, which consists of the opinions of everyone who knows them—this can be roughly understood as their "reputation" and "brand." When we do things that conform to social norms and social expectations, our social evaluation increases; conversely, it decreases.
And social evaluation is closely related to a person's adaptability to society, their ability to obtain resources, and their ability to gain support and help. A lowered social evaluation means a decrease in a person's overall competitive ability.
So, many times, when we "trouble" others, what are we afraid of?
Is it the rejection from others? No. If others reject us, we might feel a bit better because this can directly increase our "experience," letting us know that this behavior might be inappropriate or not very appropriate.
What is more frightening? It is that others do not reject you face-to-face, even appearing very positive, but deep down they are unwilling, silently lowering their evaluation of you, or privately criticizing you...
Thus, leading us to unknowingly have our social evaluation lowered, while we remain oblivious to the reason and cannot learn from the experience.
This is the true mindset of "fearing to trouble others."
4
The previous discussion focused on macro social and cultural factors, but that is not the only aspect; another very important factor is each person's "contract" regarding time.
What does this mean? A simple example: no one likes to wait for others because the process of waiting is boring. But does anyone like to be kept waiting? No. If we are late for some reason, we usually feel very guilty, right?
The reason is simple: humans have the ability to empathize. We believe that waiting for others means they are occupying our time; conversely, if others wait for us, we are occupying their time.
This occupation is a kind of waste. They could have used that time to do other things, but because we occupied it, that time is wasted.
Specifically, everyone has this kind of awareness: my time belongs to me; it is my most scarce and important resource, and I do not allow others to occupy it without reason. Because if you occupy my time, it means the time I can use is reduced, so are you worth me paying such a price? What can you bring me?
This forms a "contract": I do not want you to occupy my time for no reason, so I also do not want to occupy your time for no reason.
It becomes a consensus, a social rule that everyone assumes others know, recognize, and accept. We use it to regulate ourselves and others.
Many people may have this feeling: when shopping, if the salesperson closely follows them, being very enthusiastic and attentive, we might actually feel uncomfortable.
Why? Is it because this behavior is "inappropriate"? No. This discomfort may stem from several mixed mindsets.
The first mindset is not wanting to be under too much scrutiny and attention. Many people appear very unnatural under such attention.
The second mindset is the "unease" brought by "am I occupying your time": my occupation of your time may not bring you value, and I do not wish to occupy it; you could be doing other things.
Many times, the reason we are unwilling to "trouble" others may be precisely this:
I do not know whether occupying your time is appropriate, whether it can bring you returns, and whether it will break this social contract regarding time.
5
This point is particularly evident for three types of people.
Which three types? The first type is highly orderly individuals.
Such people tend to strictly adhere to rules in life, wanting everything to be orderly, with every matter being reasonable and legitimate.
It is easy to imagine that for them, occupying others' time without reason and breaking the "social contract" is something they cannot understand and cannot accept.
The second type is highly sensitive individuals.
Highly sensitive individuals often have two characteristics: one is a stronger reaction to negative emotions, and the other is a stronger capacity for empathy. The combination of these two can produce a reaction:
Because they have a stronger dissatisfaction with "others occupying my time without reason," this dissatisfaction, projected and amplified through their empathy, leads to a stronger fear of "occupying others' time without reason"—thus, causing them to feel a huge psychological burden before "troubling others."
The last type is individuals with low self-esteem.
Individuals with low self-esteem often have a clear sense of "unworthiness." Before doing anything, they subconsciously ask themselves: Am I qualified to do this? Do I deserve it?
It is easy to imagine that for them, "occupying others' time" is a very difficult thing. Without considering returns, just occupying time alone can be overwhelming for them.
6
So, after the above analysis, you should understand: "fearing to trouble others" is a result, and the underlying mechanism is closely related to the entire social norm, our socialization, and our own character.
An introverted person with weaker social skills may have a higher fear and concern about social norms, leading them to minimize interactions and exchanges with others.
Similarly, an orderly, sensitive, or low self-esteem person may have a higher rejection of "occupying others' time," thus minimizing unnecessary occupation.
Therefore, I want to say: this is not a bad thing. It is not a flaw or something that needs correction. It is simply a safer strategy, a comprehensive reflection of a person's character and experiences.
Wishing for one's words and actions to be appropriate and not wanting to occupy others' time without reason—these thoughts and concerns are reasonable and pose no problem.
However, if it indeed brings you some inconvenience and distress, then these three simple beliefs may be useful to you.
1. Helping others can bring positive feedback.
If you are worried about "occupying others' time without being able to return the favor," a simple answer is: helping others itself can bring positive feedback.
The reason is simple: helping others is a reflection of self-worth; it can enhance your self-evaluation and strengthen your connection with others. As long as it is within your capacity, helping others is an effective way to bring happiness.
In other words, as long as your request is sincere, kind, and reasonable, others are actually happy to help you.
Therefore, there is no need to carry excessive guilt or worry about your requests; you should know: seeking help and helping each other is, in itself, a "win-win."
Also, I hope that after understanding this belief, you can help others within your capacity when they are in need. This may help make the world a little better.
2. A person's time is partly meant for external use.
We do not want our time to be occupied, and a core assumption is: all my time belongs to me and should not be occupied by others.
But in reality, people always live in society; no one can cut off all connections with the outside world. This means: there will inevitably be moments in your life and work when external information and events "intervene." It could be a friend's request, a family member's intervention, a boss's instruction, a client's demand, or even some unexpected incident, etc.
Therefore, an effective coping method is to change your mindset:
You live in society, and everything you enjoy is supported by the outside world. Therefore, in your life, you should allocate part of your time and energy to respond to external information. This is your obligation.
Let’s call this part of time "external time," so:
- If this external time is fully occupied, that is reasonable; it should be so.
- If this external time has a surplus, then "I have gained," and it is worth utilizing it well.
- If, in the long run, this external time is insufficient, then it may be necessary to consider: am I spending too little time and resources on "myself"? Do I need to decline some purely "other people's matters" to leave more time for myself?
If everyone can accept and recognize this, replacing the old assumption of "all my time belongs to me" with this new assumption and consensus, then when we "trouble" each other, it may not be so difficult.
3. Maintain more transparent and honest communication.
An ideal situation is: we should fully trust everyone's autonomy, believing they are capable of weighing pros and cons and solving their problems. If someone agrees to help you, we should trust that they have thought it through and deemed it worthwhile, believing it will not cause too much trouble.
This is the best scenario.
But in real life, it may not be so; often, others may have various concerns and thoughts or may not have considered it carefully. Therefore, if we can be as sincere and straightforward as possible in our communication, the outcome will be much better.
- When we seek help, clearly explain the necessity of the matter and assure the other party, "If you cannot help, I completely understand and will not blame you."
- When we respond, fully explain the reasons for what we can and cannot agree to, clarifying the extent to which we are willing to offer support, expressing our care and sincerity.
- In the communication process, try to avoid suspicion, speculation, and unnecessary "implications" and "formalities."
Then, everything may go more smoothly.