Why Are Some People Always Happier? - Huxiu#
#Omnivore
Highlights#
Harmonious family, good interpersonal relationships, and kindness towards others in life. ⤴️ ^1bb9f601
The standard for measuring the quality of interpersonal relationships is subjective, not objective. In other words: as long as you "perceive" your interpersonal relationships as good, that is enough. ⤴️ ^d49d7427
To feel satisfied with your own interpersonal relationships, my mom, although she has few friends and shallow connections, feels content with her situation; I think she feels fulfilled with just my dad and me, so she has no worries in this regard.
It’s about whether you can be “seen.” ⤴️ ^4f0b66c7
The desire to be seen is something I also experience; most of the time, it can be fulfilled, but sometimes it cannot, and that’s when I start to act out.
I want to share a simple principle, which I call the “Prize Pool Principle.”
What does it mean? Simply put: if you want to win a prize, you first have to put yourself in the prize pool, right? If you do nothing, there will definitely be no result. But if you take action, no matter how low the probability, you also gain an additional chance of “good things happening.”
In other words, maintain enthusiasm for life, actively engage in life, open the windows of your life to accommodate more possibilities, try to “sow seeds,” and then wait for good things to happen. ⤴️ ^c9074a2d
That’s very true; it’s somewhat similar to the idea of having a release rate of information greater than zero that I read before.
Why Are Some People Always Happier?#
This article introduces the results of Harvard University's Adult Development Study, pointing out that the most important factor affecting happiness is the satisfaction with interpersonal relationships. The article emphasizes the importance of interpersonal relationships for happiness and how to establish good interpersonal relationships.
• Satisfaction with interpersonal relationships is the most important factor affecting happiness.
• Good interpersonal relationships can help people cope with stress and pain.
• Being seen is the core of interpersonal relationships and is what we truly seek.
At the beginning of the article, I want you to think about a question: What is the biggest factor affecting happiness?
Take a moment to think about it before scrolling down to continue reading.
Many friends might answer wealth, living environment, career, ideals, social status... These factors are certainly very important for happiness, but they may not be the most important.
So, what is the most important factor affecting happiness? A Harvard study that has lasted for 85 years gives us an answer.
This study is called the "Harvard Adult Development Study," and it is the longest-running study of adult life in history. The study began in 1938 and has now spanned 85 years, with four different directors tracking 724 families.
What answer does it provide? It is satisfaction with interpersonal relationships.
Many people may feel that material conditions can bring happiness; this study initially believed that too. They included many different types of people, including the wealthy, celebrities, and those with certain social achievements. However, the study found that while these people had a higher average happiness, it was not the highest.
Why? The reason is that while these people may have better living conditions, they also face many difficult problems and experience many troubles, pains, and pressures that outsiders may not see.
This results in a higher lower limit of happiness for these individuals, but it is unstable and often fluctuates, thus lowering the overall average happiness.
Among all participants, only one type of person can cope well with stress, keeping their happiness stable, balanced, and maintained at a good level for a long time — that is, those with harmonious families, good interpersonal relationships, and kindness towards others in life.
This may be an unexpected answer, but it is actually quite reasonable.
I have mentioned in many articles that humans are social animals, and we always have two tendencies: one is the tendency to “form groups,” and the other is the tendency to seek feedback from the outside world.
In other words, we confirm our existence and find our value and sense of belonging through the responses from the outside world and our connections with others.
An interesting thing is that when we encounter stress, if you are “lonely” and have no one to confide in or seek help from, it is very difficult to free yourself from stress and anxiety, even if you know a lot and use many techniques.
Conversely, if you have good interpersonal relationships, someone to confide in, someone to seek help from, someone who can affirm you, and someone who you know will definitely stand by you... then you can quickly break free from stress without needing to use any techniques.
This is the power of connection: it connects each of us to a larger external world, empowering us and letting us know that we do not have to face the uncertainties of the world alone; we are never alone.
Of course, it is important to emphasize that you do not need to have many friends to have good interpersonal relationships; you do not need to be very socially adept or well-connected — otherwise, that would be too unfriendly to introverts.
The standard for measuring the quality of interpersonal relationships is subjective, not objective. In other words: as long as you “perceive” your interpersonal relationships as good, that is enough.
You can have only two or three close friends, prefer to be alone, and not like to interact with others — as long as when you have needs, you can find someone to confide in who is willing to listen.
You may not frequently contact your close friends, as long as you trust each other and can unhesitatingly lend a hand when needed.
You may not have familiar people in your life, but have a group of like-minded “companions” online — as long as you can encourage and support each other and provide feedback.
This is also the meaning of “satisfaction with interpersonal relationships”: what matters is not the relationships themselves, but your level of satisfaction with them.
Therefore, a person who enjoys solitude, a loner, or someone who maintains a certain distance from everyone can have a fulfilling level of satisfaction with interpersonal relationships — as long as what they have meets their needs.
In simple terms, what is its core?
It is whether you can be “seen.”
This is the core of interpersonal relationships and what we truly seek.
What Does It Mean to Be “Seen”?#
I define it as a combination of several points.
- Am I occupying a place in others' worlds?
Simply put: Are there people who care enough about us? This can be family, friends, colleagues, or online friends.
In other words, if we “disappeared” now, would anyone care?
There was a popular term called “little transparent.” We can be “little transparent” in certain situations, like at work or in a department, but we cannot be “little transparent” in all aspects of life.
We at least need some people with whom we can establish relatively close relationships, who can remember, pay attention to, and care about us, so that they can think of us when needed, becoming a bond between us.
- Am I needed?
What often determines a person's self-worth and sense of existence is not what they have or have achieved, but what they can do for others.
About ten years ago, before I started writing on public platforms, my favorite thing was to spend my spare time answering questions online, sharing my experiences and insights. These shares did not bring me any tangible benefits, but every time I saw someone reply with “Thank you!” or give me a thumbs up, I felt immensely satisfied.
The reason is simple: it gave me a strong sense of “being needed.” Seeing my actions make the world a little better and benefit someone is an extremely wonderful experience.
Similarly, when everyone in the company realizes that a certain project cannot do without you, or when your child proudly says, “My dad/mom is the best in the world,”... you will definitely experience a profound sense of happiness.
It can evoke your recognition of your self-worth, making you feel that your existence is meaningful and not dispensable.
- Can I receive recognition and affirmation from the outside?
When you have poured your heart and soul into a project and worked overtime, can you receive the recognition and praise you deserve?
When you have worked hard to perfect the details of something, are your efforts and results noticed?
When you finally accomplish something great, is there anyone to cheer and celebrate for you?
These are all “responses” to your actions, providing strong evidence that the world has not abandoned you.
- Are my emotions, stress, and pain understood?
Many people feel that emotions are useless; we should do meaningful things and not care about emotions or waste time on them...
But that’s not true. Human emotions always need to be understood, accepted, and embraced; they need to find an outlet to receive feedback and acceptance to truly dissipate.
Therefore, when you feel pain, when you face troubles and stress, is there someone you can confide in or seek help from? Is there someone who can patiently listen to you?
This will be an important source of security and comfort you gain from this world.
The Essence of Being “Seen”#
This is the connotation of “being seen” and the standard for whether a person has good interpersonal relationships.
What is its essence? It is whether a person's subjectivity can be respected, whether a person can clearly and confidently feel:
My existence is meaningful, my actions are valuable, and I am “useful” to this world.
On a broader level, we can also think from a philosophical perspective.
In philosophy, there is a concept called “the Other,” referring to groups that exist outside the mainstream view, ignored and overlooked. A person can become “the Other” in certain situations, and a group can also become “the Other” in certain contexts.
When a subject is deemed incapable, unimportant, and subject to others' judgment and depiction, the Other emerges.
The workplace can have “the Other.” Certain marginalized departments and positions are often defined as being far from the core, unable to create value, either seen as “idle positions” or as redundant.
Society can have “the Other.” Certain manual laborers often find their voices hard to see and can easily be overlooked in our lives, only noticed when their absence disrupts the functioning of society.
Gender can have “the Other.” The role and impact of women in society are often assumed to be auxiliary and secondary; they often find it difficult to enter important positions, and their contributions and circumstances can easily be ignored.
Culture can have “the Other.” For example, many scholars believe that the “East” constructed by the West has little to do with the real East; it is merely constructed as a contrast and foil within the framework of Eurocentrism and Western superiority.
The essence of the Other is a binary relationship, a contradiction between subject and object. It is precisely due to the absence of “being seen” that the Other is constructed.
Therefore, if you do not want to become “the Other” in certain situations, a small suggestion is to give respect and recognition to everyone around you equally.
Here are a few examples:
You might maintain enough kindness and equality towards various inconspicuous positions around you, such as security guards, cleaners, waitstaff, vendors, receptionists, delivery personnel...
You might give enough affirmation and respect to the labor and contributions of women. For example, many household chores are often undertaken by women, but few recognize that these chores are also valuable and need affirmation and sharing.
If you encounter some niche circles, habits, or hobbies, as long as they are not illegal or immoral, you might give enough support and respect; everyone has the freedom and right to decide their own lives.
“Being seen” is a chain. If everyone can equally recognize and respect everyone around them, providing enough understanding and affirmation, then this power can be passed on through one link after another.
If you want others to treat you a certain way, try treating others that way first.
Finally, Let’s Talk About a Common Issue#
I often see some people who constantly complain:
- They always feel that the people around them are boring, the topics of conversation are uninteresting, and they cannot find a suitable circle for themselves;
- Or they often feel lonely and isolated, as if there is a thin membrane between them and the world, creating a sense of disconnection;
- Or they have many thoughts and opinions but feel unrecognized, with no one to communicate and dialogue with;
- Some even say: after spending a long time with their partner and children, they feel that every day is the same, their feelings gradually become indifferent, and life feels stagnant...
However, if you ask them whether they have tried to make any changes or take action, the answer is often: no. They don’t know what they can do or should do.
They repeat their daily lives day after day, praying for the problems to disappear on their own and for everything to get better — but how is that possible?
I want to share a simple principle, which I call the “Prize Pool Principle.”
What does it mean? Simply put: if you want to win a prize, you first have to put yourself in the prize pool, right? If you do nothing, there will definitely be no result. But if you take action, no matter how low the probability, you also gain an additional chance of “good things happening.”
In other words, maintain enthusiasm for life, actively engage in life, open the windows of your life to accommodate more possibilities, try to “sow seeds,” and then wait for good things to happen.
Specifically, you can try these methods.
- Communicate more, be more proactive
Often, what hinders us is not some insurmountable force, but merely the inertia of our daily routines.
If you feel that your relationship with family or friends is starting to fade, a simple approach is to change your daily paths and habits, giving them more time and contact.
For example: can you call your parents more often to chat about recent happenings? Even if they don’t understand you and it’s easy to argue, try to keep calm and communicate well. After all, verbal disputes won’t bring you substantial losses; your life is ultimately determined by yourself.
Another example: can you take some time to accompany your partner and children, listening to their recent troubles and thoughts? You might feel it’s unnecessary or meaningless, but this is also a form of “being seen,” a way to improve and repair relationships.
In relationships, one party always needs to take the initiative; don’t just wait.
- Listen more, judge less
When others express their feelings and open up, please try to avoid “talking more than listening” and instead focus on “listening more and talking less.”
Listening more means attentively hearing the other person's expressions and confessions, providing appropriate feedback, and affirming their feelings, making them feel “seen.”
Talking less means controlling your urge to express, avoiding hasty suggestions, and refraining from casual judgments or harsh criticisms and denials.
In short: place yourself in a supportive and assisting role rather than a dominant one. This can better strengthen your connection with others.
When you treat others with sincerity, they can feel it, and what you gain is also their sincerity.
- Expand your social contacts
When you feel that the circles around you are not suitable, a better approach is not to force yourself into them but to find circles that suit you as alternatives.
How to find these circles? You can look online or offline. Online, it could be communities, forums, or groups... Offline, it could be activities, training classes, etc.
The key is that you need to dedicate some time and energy to try and explore. Initially, it may not yield results, but this is a necessary investment.
A rule of thumb is to allocate about 15% of your time and energy to explore the boundaries of your life and connect with new people and circles.
This may be a long-term endeavor that requires gradual cultivation and waiting.
- Make your voice heard
There’s a saying: “Like attracts like.” But what is the premise? You have to make your voice heard first to find people who resonate with you.
Therefore, one thing I strongly advocate is to share your insights online more often, make your voice heard, and attract more like-minded people.
You can manage a column yourself, such as starting a public account, creating a podcast, or organizing a community; you can also speak on platforms, such as answering questions, helping others, participating in discussions, and posting more...
You might understand it this way: every time you make your voice heard, you are increasing the probability of “finding companions.” It may be very low, perhaps only one in a thousand or ten thousand, but it is always greater than zero.
Keep doing this and wait to be “seen.”