Why Are Other People's Children So Well-Behaved? Why Is Mine So Difficult? - Huxiu#
#Omnivore
Highlights#
• Children's temperament affects their development, with approach and inhibition types exhibiting different characteristics and behaviors.
• Approach children have advantages in self-control and perseverance but may exhibit aggressive and destructive behaviors.
• Inhibited children are relatively cautious and prone to social withdrawal and anxiety. Parents should adopt appropriate parenting styles based on their child's temperament characteristics. ⤴️ ^b23b1d04
Easy, difficult, slow-to-warm. ⤴️ ^41f38f95
As children grow older and their self-control improves, relatively extreme approach and inhibition temperament types will gradually move towards the middle. ⤴️ ^087b1dad
Because your self-control has improved, you know that in certain situations, you need to behave in a way that matches your identity, so you may become a bit more approach-oriented. However, temperament and nature are still there. ⤴️ ^74b90d7b
The difficulty of changing one's nature is the key point here; it’s just that the stimuli are not sufficient, or the threshold for stimuli has increased.
Approach children may have their intrinsic motivation stimulated, which could improve their self-control. ⤴️ ^80b71180
They are different from another type, which we call "socially indifferent." Socially indifferent children do not want to join groups and drift outside the group, but they do not feel pressure. In contrast, socially withdrawn children cannot join groups and feel pressure themselves. ⤴️ ^e0317787
Social indifference and social withdrawal are not the same.
Sometimes, inhibited children may seem to be avoiding competition, but this behavior may be harmful to them. ⤴️ ^616d2066
Overall, the more control mothers exert, the weaker the development of the child's self-control, especially for inhibited children. ⤴️ ^69153c06
According to our research conclusions, during the "shaping" stage of children from kindergarten to elementary school, a certain degree of "control" is very important for approach children. ⤴️ ^859de0a8
Approach children need guidance when rules are being set.
There is no one-size-fits-all parenting style; only those that match the child's temperament, nature, or personality traits are appropriate.
For approach children, certain constraints and discipline are necessary. Parents should try to reinforce their interest orientation; help them set specific, phased goals; appreciate them to enhance their sense of achievement; and also show vulnerability to cultivate their sense of responsibility.
For inhibited children, we need to stimulate their self-awareness and intrinsic motivation more. Parents can increase their sense of control by allowing them to make choices; actively provide affirmation and encouragement; and remember not to rush the pace, allowing the child's intrinsic motivation to develop gradually. ⤴️ ^e652c053
Why Are Other People's Children So Well-Behaved? Why Is Mine So Difficult?#
This article discusses the impact of children's temperament on their development, as well as the characteristics and behavioral expressions of approach and inhibited children. The author finds that approach children have advantages in self-control and perseverance but may exhibit aggressive and destructive behaviors, while inhibited children are relatively cautious and prone to social withdrawal and anxiety. The article also mentions how parents should respond to children with different temperament characteristics.
==• Children's temperament affects their development, with approach and inhibition types exhibiting different characteristics and behaviors.==
==• Approach children have advantages in self-control and perseverance but may exhibit aggressive and destructive behaviors.==
==• Inhibited children are relatively cautious and prone to social withdrawal and anxiety. Parents should adopt appropriate parenting styles based on their child's temperament characteristics.==
Hello everyone, I am He Jie from the Department of Psychology and Behavioral Sciences at Zhejiang University, and I mainly conduct research in child psychology. Today, I want to share with you the topic of "The Impact of Temperament on Children's Development."
Why do I study temperament? Here are my two kids.
Photo provided by the author
Although they have the same dad and mom, and the parenting style is basically consistent, the elder child is more sensitive and difficult, while the younger one is more resilient.
We can recall how we were criticized by our parents when we were young: Why are other people's children so well-behaved? Why is mine so difficult? All of this is actually related to the topic I want to discuss today: "temperament."
In psychology, "temperament" has a specific academic term. It was first proposed by Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess.
They were pediatricians. After seeing a large number of babies, they found that although each baby is different, they all exhibited relatively stable individual differences in emotional reactions, activity levels, and attention control.
So they categorized babies into three types: ==easy, difficult, and slow-to-warm.== Easy types are what we call "angel babies"; difficult types are what we call "devil babies." Is it true that angel babies are always good and devil babies are always bad? From an academic perspective, temperament has no good or bad distinction.
- Two Early Temperament Types in Children: Approach vs. Inhibition
Humans have two basic motivations—approach and avoidance. Just like a car has an accelerator and a brake, both are very important.
Even as adults, the accelerator and brake may not develop in balance. Some people have a more sensitive accelerator, which are approach individuals; others have a more sensitive brake, which are inhibited individuals.
Let’s first talk about what approach individuals are and what inhibited individuals are. Eight years ago, we started a study, inviting children aged about 2 to 3 years.
We invited children and their mothers to come to the laboratory. Sitting with the children was our experimenter, who would present some unfamiliar stimuli to the children.
Approach children, when faced with unfamiliar people or stimuli, exhibit approach behaviors indicating a desire to play together and display relatively positive emotions.
Now let’s look at the performance of inhibited children in response to the same stimuli.
We often say that the most common way for children to refuse is to not respond. When our researcher invited an inhibited child to touch a toy snake, she did not respond.
When a clown suddenly entered the room, she felt a bit scared and returned to her mother. I should add that eventually, this clown would take off his clown costume in front of her, and she would realize he was the big brother who had been playing with her. This would have a calming effect.
So, are the temperament characteristics of approach and inhibition innate?
Many studies have found that individuals already exhibit different individual differences during the newborn period. Neuroscience research has also shown that their frontal brain electrical activity indeed exhibits different patterns.
The second question is, some people may wonder: Am I an approach type or an inhibition type? Others may ask: Is it possible to be both approach and inhibition?
I remember a parent once asked me this question: "My child is a 'little tyrant' at home, unruly, but becomes timid when going out. Does that mean he is both approach and inhibition?"
I want to say no. When I defined the two temperament types of approach and inhibition earlier, I mentioned that we need to examine the relatively challenging and unfamiliar stimuli concerning the child's age.
For the two-year-old children in the study I shared, a toy snake or a wolf mask might be considered challenging stimuli. However, for older children or adults, these may not seem challenging at all. For example, standing in the middle of this stage is also a challenge for adults.
Therefore, when we assess abilities, we need to consider age. Even the most inhibited individuals will eventually adapt in certain environments. Thus, our research mainly focuses on the first response when facing new stimuli.
The third question is: Does temperament change as children grow older?
Our children do not live in a vacuum; they are constantly interacting with their families and peers after entering school. Our research has found that ==as children grow older and their self-control improves, the relatively extreme approach and inhibition temperament types will gradually move towards the middle.==
Does this mean that our temperament changes from childhood to adulthood? I remember once during a lecture, a student asked me: "Teacher, I think I was an inhibited child when I was young. But now that I am grown up and can speak confidently on stage, does that mean I have become an approach type?"
I want to say, ==because your self-control has improved, you know that in certain situations, you need to behave in a way that matches your identity, so you may become a bit more approach-oriented.====However, temperament and nature are still there.==
- Continue Forward? Return the Same Way?
For example, let me pose a question: Suppose you go hiking and after half a day finally reach a mountain peak. Now you have two paths in front of you: one is to return the same way, and the other is to continue forward. You know that returning the same way will take a long time, while continuing forward may lead to unexpected turns. However, since the forward path is new and untraveled, you may end up going further.
What would you choose? Everyone probably has an answer in mind. Some people will definitely choose to continue forward, while others will choose to return the same way.
Some might say, should we consider safety and resources? No need to consider that. We are talking about—under the condition that all these are not an issue, what is your first reaction? Because this reaction has no right or wrong; it simply represents your tendency towards approach or inhibition.
So how do approach and inhibited babies change as they grow older?
I want to introduce you to a tracking project we have conducted for eight years. The two-year-old children you just saw are the starting point of this tracking project. At that time, we recruited about 160 families and conducted a comprehensive assessment of the children's temperament.
Every year, we invite these families back and conduct comprehensive assessments of the children's abilities, parent-child relationships, peer interactions, and brain activity.
Our goal is to understand how early childhood temperament characteristics affect their future development.
Let me share some of our research findings.
- Self-Control - "Don't Touch!"
When thinking about important abilities related to children's growth, self-control often comes to mind. From a young age, parents might say: you can't touch this, you can't eat that, this place is too high for you to climb.
We all grew up in this "don't" environment, hoping to improve our self-control. Imagine how approach and inhibited children perform in the face of temptations like candy and snacks.
Our research findings show that approach children are relatively active and cannot control themselves. Our researchers initially told him not to touch the candy. However, after going out, he didn't directly eat it, but he would rub his hand on the candy and then lick it.
This is one aspect of self-control, which adults emphasize as "don't."
- Perseverance - "Hang In There!"
In fact, there is another important dimension in the definition of self-control, which is whether you can persist in overcoming difficulties when faced with challenges. We call this perseverance.
In terms of perseverance, we conducted a study called "Opening the Treasure Chest."
▲ He et al., 2016
We gave the children a transparent box containing a very exquisite item, but the box was locked. We then provided the children with a key and taught them how to use it to unlock the box. After they confidently learned, our researcher left the room.
The children tried and tried but couldn't open it because the key we gave them did not match the lock. Which temperament type do you think would persist in this task?
Our research found that the approach children, who we previously said had poor self-control, actually exhibited high perseverance in this task. Why? Because they were determined to open the treasure chest since it was something they wanted.
Additionally, we conducted another game called "The Impossible Perfect Circle." Our researcher would tell the children to draw a circle, which seemed simple—just make it round.
Then the children would start drawing. After the first attempt, we would say it wasn't very round. They would try again, and again, and you would find that approach children would quickly give up because they found it boring.
Through these studies, I want to convey that self-control is a broadly applicable concept. For children with different temperament characteristics, we need to utilize their inherent traits. For example, ==for approach children, stimulating their intrinsic motivation may improve their self-control.==
- Social Behavior
After discussing self-control, let’s talk about social behavior. When it comes to approach and inhibition, many people's first reaction might be: approach is "social butterflies," while inhibition is "social anxiety." Can we make this correspondence? To some extent, yes.
I wonder if you recall your childhood or observe children playing and notice a child who really wants to join the group but cannot integrate.
▲ He et al., 2017
==They are different from another type, which we call "socially indifferent." Socially indifferent children do not want to join groups and drift outside the group, but they do not feel pressure. In contrast, socially withdrawn children cannot join groups and feel pressure themselves.==
Our research found that inhibited children are more prone to social withdrawal behaviors. If we view social withdrawal as a form of interaction, its essence is whether you will take that step in a social scenario.
For older individuals, such as adults, we want to know how to socialize in certain scenarios involving cooperation or competition.
We also conducted a study where we invited two children, both around 5 years old, who had never met before, to the laboratory.
This is a bird's-eye view of our game:
We asked them to transport blocks using toy cars to the other side. They could choose between two winding paths or a straight, fast route in the middle. We explained the game rules: if they met on a narrow path, they couldn't jump over but had to find a way to resolve it, meaning someone would definitely have to yield.
We set up two scenarios: one was cooperative, where both could receive gifts for completing the task together; the other was competitive, where only one could win.
Some children would strive to compete with others, while some would prefer to take the winding path, knowing it was slower but wanting to avoid competition.
What are the consequences of avoiding competition? Our research found that in competitive conditions where only one could win, those who were low in competitiveness and were inhibited children would later develop more anxiety and withdrawal behaviors.
==Sometimes, inhibited children may seem to be avoiding competition, but this behavior may be harmful to them.==
- Trait Inference
Why do these children exhibit such behaviors? Why do inhibited children show withdrawal?
This is something psychology has always wanted to explore further. Because if I only discover a phenomenon, so what? I hope that if I know such children indeed exist, we can find ways to cope.
So we need to explore the mechanisms. In fact, in interpersonal interactions, we make two types of judgments: one is about how "I" will behave, and the other is about judging the other person. Our research is about the latter, called trait inference.
We invited children around 5 years old with different temperaments to the laboratory and told them the story of a character named Xiao Li. Sometimes she does good things, like sharing toys; but she also does bad things, like taking others' toys.
▲ Zhai et al., accepted
We asked the children two questions: First, do you think Xiao Li is a good child or a bad child? Second, would you like to be friends with Xiao Li?
In fact, whether in trait inference or in the question of whether to socialize, inhibited children tend to have a relatively negative perspective. That is, regardless of whether Xiao Li did three good things and one bad thing or one good thing and three bad things, inhibited children's inferences are more negative.
▲ Zhai et al., accepted
This relatively negative trait inference further leads them to avoid social interactions.
- Trust Experiment
It may sound like inhibited children are not doing well, but does that mean they have no advantages? Not necessarily.
We also conducted a study on trust. We showed children two unfamiliar faces and asked them to rate their trustworthiness from 1 to 5.
The results showed that inhibited children are more cautious in judging whether others are trustworthy. In real life, in scenarios like preventing scams or abductions, inhibited children have their own advantages.
In summary, approach children tend to have prominent advantages in self-control and perseverance but may also exhibit aggressive and destructive behaviors. Inhibited children are relatively cautious and prone to social withdrawal and anxiety.
- How to Respond to Children with Different Temperament Characteristics: Control or Not?
The next question is, once we know a child's temperament is approach or inhibition, how should we respond?
We invited mothers and children to the laboratory again. We set up two scenarios—
The first scenario is called free play. We provided the children with a pile of toys and told the mothers to let the children play freely while they do their own thing. Since mothers know they will be filmed, there aren't many mothers who are on their phones.
You will find that, for example, if a child is playing with a little turtle toy, some mothers might say, "Why don't you try that one? It's more fun." Or some mothers might say, "Look, what number is this?" They always want to teach the child.
Do you find this scenario familiar? This behavior is called controlling behavior in psychology. Because it is not initiated by the child, nor is it a response to the child's inquiry; rather, the child is immersed in their own world, and the mother intervenes forcibly. In daily life, we often refer to this behavior as "controlling the child."
▲ Zhai, Lu & He, 2023
Here, the horizontal axis represents the mother's controlling behavior, and the vertical axis represents the child's self-control. The three lines represent children with different temperaments.
==Overall, the more control mothers exert, the weaker the development of the child's self-control, especially for inhibited children.== Their intrinsic motivation has not yet been cultivated, relying entirely on external control from the mother, which is actually ineffective.
Following this logic, should we not control our children at all? We set up a second scenario—cleaning up toys, which is a "setting rules" scenario. In this scenario, we told the mothers that the child had already played with the toys, and now they should let the child clean them up.
As a result, we found that for inhibited children, the outcome was the same: the more mothers controlled, the worse it was. However, if you look at the solid line, the trend has completely reversed.
▲ Zhai, Lu & He, 2023
==According to our research conclusions, during the "shaping" stage of children from kindergarten to elementary school, a certain degree of "control" is very important for approach children.==
Parents often ask if there is a "golden standard" parenting style. I want to say, ==there is no one-size-fits-all parenting style; only those that match the child's temperament, nature, or personality traits are appropriate.==
==For approach children, certain constraints and discipline are necessary.====Parents should try to reinforce their interest orientation; help them set specific, phased goals; appreciate them to enhance their sense of achievement; and also show vulnerability to cultivate their sense of responsibility.==
==For inhibited children, we need to stimulate their self-awareness and intrinsic motivation more.====Parents can increase their sense of control by allowing them to make choices; actively provide affirmation and encouragement; and remember not to rush the pace, allowing the child's intrinsic motivation to develop gradually.==
Some may ask, after doing so much research on approach and inhibited temperament children, what do you ultimately want? Are you labeling children? Should everyone label themselves as approach or inhibition after listening to this sharing?
No.
What I want to tell everyone is that whether approach or inhibition, both are natural behavioral tendencies; temperament has no good or bad distinction. If we can understand their characteristics in early childhood, the effectiveness of tailored education will be better in the future.
A classic saying in psychology is that we spend a long time understanding the external world, only to find that we know very little about our own world.
Similarly, through this sharing today, we can reflect: Was I an approach or inhibited child in my childhood? Now that I am an adult, perhaps my temperament still retains traces of that.
When you clearly realize this, I believe you will no longer be entangled in many behaviors and will feel relieved.
Thank you!