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2024-01-11 - Relax - No longer chasing happiness, allowing myself to be sad, and my thoughts - Minority

Relax | Stop Chasing Happiness, Allow Yourself to Be Sad, and My Thoughts - Minority#

#Omnivore

Highlights#

A person suffers from depression not because of excessive sadness, but precisely because they refuse to be sad. — Verena Kast, "Experiencing Sadness" 1 ⤴️ ^c93aa8c7

It makes a lot of sense. Refusing to allow oneself to be sad leads to an inability to release one's emotions, which then results in depression.

Unrestrained indulgence is merely an abyss that continuously pulls one down, requiring a higher threshold of stimulation each time. Clearly, this is not happiness, but a means of escaping pain, and the pain itself does not disappear; it only reappears in a more intense form at some point.

This indulgent behavior is, to some extent, a rebellion against constraints, an attempt to seek freedom. However, when we no longer view a specific state of life (such as going to school or work) as a struggle, the guilt and thrill brought by indulgence gradually fade away, replaced by a sense of emptiness. Indulgent behavior cannot satisfy our deeper spiritual needs; it is merely a way to escape reality and does not bring true satisfaction or inner peace. ⤴️ ^18a0fc2f

Indulgence is not happiness; it is a way to escape pain. Each increase in threshold leads to a more pathological pursuit, and if one does not view these things as enemies to confront, indulgence quickly becomes dull and empty.

After losing this convenient means, I found it increasingly difficult to obtain happiness. ⤴️ ^34bf0914

Absolutely right. How can one be healthily happy, or should happiness not be constant? Is there happiness only in contrast?

Happiness and satisfaction come more from real, deep experiences rather than simple escapism or rebellion. Happiness should not be the end we chase, but the motivation and starting point for our actions. ⤴️ ^b5619848

Real, deep experiences, rather than simple escapism or rebellion. Happiness should not be the end we chase, but the motivation and starting point for our actions. ⤴️ ^dffe35bd

Our education has always emphasized the importance of text in conveying "knowledge," but the original purpose of text is actually to record emotions and the soul. ⤴️ ^4463f351

The transmission of knowledge is one aspect of its practical function; on the other hand, it is a record of emotions and the soul, which is more akin to the role of art, just like in the sci-fi movie "Gun Fu."

Rather than being a good person, I would rather be a whole person. — Jung ⤴️ ^36a90a40

The charm of the villainous character may lie in this, in being real.

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Relax | Stop Chasing Happiness, Allow Yourself to Be Sad, and My Thoughts

Note: This article is a finalist in the "Relax" essay contest. The views expressed in this article are solely those of the author, and Minority has made slight adjustments to the title and formatting.

To learn how to participate in this essay contest and win prizes, you can click here to view the event rules.


Preface#

Living is easy, but life is not easy.

When I saw the title of the essay contest, I increasingly felt that "how to live" has become a major question of our time. In recent years, "mental exhaustion" has gradually become a buzzword, with more and more people using this term to describe their chronic state of mental suffering, accompanied by anxiety, fatigue, and worry. It's like a leaking battery; even when lying quietly, it has already exhausted all its energy.

Looking back at daily life, people like me, who are mediocre, also have their share of worries. Future planning, self-worth, emotional pulls, interpersonal relationships—these everyday concerns can sometimes feel exhausting to deal with. Nevertheless, life must go on, and learning how to relax is also a "serious matter."

Although my life experience is not particularly rich, through the struggles with life, I have gradually gained some insights worth sharing, hoping these insights can provide some relief for friends who are anxious.

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Do Not Reject Sadness, Allow Yourself to Be Sad#

I believe that allowing oneself to be sad is a very important ability. As I grow older, the things that can make me cry have become fewer and fewer. This is not because our hearts have become unbreakable, but because we no longer allow ourselves to be sad.

We bury our emotions deep in the corners of our hearts, either enduring and suppressing them, or amplifying positive emotions and keeping ourselves busy, hoping to wear away those "stressful moments." But in reality, the "sadness" brought by stress and anxiety cannot be chosen; using reason to combat it is often a form of escape.

==A person suffers from depression not because of excessive sadness, but precisely because they refuse to be sad. — Verena Kast, "Experiencing Sadness"====1==

Often, society's demands on a person's growth are limitless; one cannot have too much anger or too much depression, striving for the state of "not being pleased by external things, nor saddened by oneself." But humans are not sages; how can a heart made of flesh not care about gains and losses?

Throughout history, those who forget both self and object, who remain unperturbed by honor and disgrace, are only the wise sages in books. Ordinary people can relax their demands on themselves; since it is acceptable to laugh heartily when happy, why can’t we shed some genuine tears when sad? Even if it’s just a few drops, while learning to endure, we should not numb our true feelings.

Those Who Chase Happiness and Fail, Seek It Within#

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Unknowingly, chasing happiness and viewing it as the ultimate goal of life has become a norm.

Before college, I always thought that indulgence would bring me happiness. Indulgence manifested in many ways: binge eating, revenge-driven late nights, and long hours of scrolling through short videos.

However, after entering college and no longer having strict constraints, I gradually realized that my past indulgence did not truly satisfy my inner needs. This made me ponder why indulgent behavior brings temporary pleasure but cannot last.

The human heart is complex and mysterious. It is undeniable that for students under high mental tension, these indulgences are a rare luxury, providing a high level of immediate satisfaction. However, ==unrestrained indulgence is merely an abyss that continuously pulls one down, requiring a higher threshold of stimulation each time. Clearly, this is not happiness, but a means of escaping pain, and the pain itself does not disappear; it only reappears in a more intense form at some point.==

==This indulgent behavior is, to some extent, a rebellion against constraints, an attempt to seek freedom. However, when we no longer view a specific state of life (such as going to school or work) as a struggle, the guilt and thrill brought by indulgence gradually fade away, replaced by a sense of emptiness. Indulgent behavior cannot satisfy our deeper spiritual needs; it is merely a way to escape reality and does not bring true satisfaction or inner peace.==

And after I ==lost this convenient means, I found it increasingly difficult to obtain happiness.==

Mencius said: "When one loves others but does not show kindness, governs others but does not cultivate their wisdom, and treats others with courtesy but does not receive respect in return, when one fails to achieve something, they should reflect on themselves; when one is upright, the world will return to them. The poem says, 'Speak of fate, seek more blessings for oneself.'"

— "Li Lou Shang"

Mencius's saying "when one fails to achieve something, they should reflect on themselves" fits perfectly with my past pursuit of happiness that eluded me.

Here, "return" does not mean "violate" in the modern sense, but "go back." In classical Chinese thought, the results and causes of any action must be returned to oneself. From the perspective of results, what a person does ultimately affects themselves, and they should measure it by themselves; the so-called "do not impose on others what you do not desire." From the perspective of causes, when something encounters difficulties, one should first return to oneself to find the reason, that is, "seek it within." — Zhang Dinghao

When we think about how to obtain happiness, we need to reflect on our inner needs and values.

Happiness and satisfaction come more from ==real, deep experiences rather than simple escapism or rebellion. Happiness should not be the end we chase, but the motivation and starting point for our actions.==

Yet we and the surrounding cultural atmosphere are obsessed with pursuing happiness through "effort," falling into a hasty attitude of chasing happiness, constantly striving yet often failing to achieve lasting satisfaction. Is this a case of "haste makes waste"?

On the other hand, excessive social comparison has also become one of the roots of happiness's disappearance. We gradually shift from enjoying happiness to a cruel competition of needing to be happier than others. This happiness derived from social comparison is gradually replaced by external measuring sticks, whether it be money, fame, or status and hierarchy within a circle. To obtain a continuous stream of happiness, we keep chasing, running, and digging, yet this pursuit rarely brings lasting satisfaction because it is not happiness itself.

When we feel exhausted and hopeless in the pursuit of happiness, perhaps it is time to stop and reflect. We can seek true happiness and satisfaction by returning to our inner selves, examining our needs and values.

Topics such as cultivating inner peace and satisfaction, focusing on inner growth and development, establishing more meaningful interpersonal relationships, and pursuing careers and life goals aligned with our values may seem too general; it is better to ask ourselves.

Does this behavior bring you happiness, or does it lead to longer-lasting fatigue?

In asking this question and seeking answers, we need to learn to let go of the excessive pursuit of happiness and instead view happiness as a state of mind and flowing energy.

Do not chase happiness; instead, seek true satisfaction. By reflecting on ourselves, deeply exploring our inner needs and values, we can establish a more lasting and meaningful happiness and satisfaction. Free yourself from excessive social comparison, focusing your attention on the true meaning within yourself. When we can find peace, satisfaction, and joy deep within, happiness becomes less elusive.

Establishing the Ability to Recognize Complex Emotions Through Reading#

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If the first two points are a way of thinking and perspective for solving problems, then establishing the ability to recognize complex emotions is the foundation of it all. If a person has not developed the ability to recognize complex emotions, they will not possess high-quality emotions. It is like a tongue that has lost its sense of taste or limbs that lack sensation; although they may navigate the bitterness and sweetness of life with ease, they will never know what true happiness is. In such a state, it is easy to fall into a dark life, mechanically wandering day after day.

Regarding emotional education, to be frank, it has always been lacking in our lives. At least for me, no one and no course has ever taught me how to recognize emotions, and in the long absence of emotional education, people become cold and numb.

On the other hand, people are receiving more and more "fast-food" emotional expressions, which subtly diminishes the ability to recognize complex emotions. For example, in recent years, the superficial emotional reactions in films and literature, abrupt conflicts, and resolutions.

I believe that writing and reading are excellent ways to establish the ability to recognize complex emotions. Through in-depth reading, we can understand the materiality, historicity, and sense of time in language, rethinking the meanings behind the words. Reading unfamiliar texts and contemplating their underlying meanings is a form of exercise for the soul. If there is any type of writing that best trains this ability, it is undoubtedly essays.

Essays are the crystallization of emotions.

Seven or eight years ago, I did not understand this sentence, but as I grew older, its meaning gradually became clear.

If the purpose of a novel is to conquer the world, using "fiction" to practice will, then essays carve out a resting place for the soul in corners of reality that cannot be changed, in some "difficult to reconcile" places.

The source of an article's artistic conception not only requires us to refine high-quality emotions but also requires us to understand life and fate more profoundly and to consciously collect and edit psychological phenomena. This tests whether the writer, beyond writing essays, has the ability to discover the most "soulful" fragments of life in daily life, the sharpness to capture the most difficult-to-express dilemmas in human emotions, and the patience to weave them into a continuous, fluctuating literary language. — Zhang Yiwei

==Our education has always emphasized the importance of text in conveying "knowledge," but the original purpose of text is actually to record emotions and the soul.== Reading essays is, in fact, savoring the emotional fragments of others; the materiality of words constructs an aesthetic world, and the feelings evoked by its artistic conception can not only broaden our understanding of the emotional world but also help us discover everything around us that we have not previously perceived.

Of course, even if one cannot immediately grasp a particular essay, there is no need to force it; the essay itself is also choosing its readers. In a worldly place, the young may not have stepped in; in a private place, others cannot peek inside; in a delicate and exquisite place, those with grand aspirations may also fail to find their place.

Reading essays is something that requires persistence. From the initial vagueness to being touched, it certainly requires a long journey. Essays inherently carry attributes related to gender, age, social experience, and resonate with certain identities or experiences. Just like the poetry of Xin Qiji, when one is initially successful in life, how can they understand its flavor?

The young do not recognize the taste of sorrow, love the upper floors. Love the upper floors, to create new words to express sorrow.

The experience of reading the same article as a child and decades later is completely different; this is also the charm of essays. More importantly, through the deep experience and emotional investment in reading, we cultivate our ability to recognize complex emotions, feel the present moment and the state of flow, and thus better cope with the changes within and the challenges of life.

Thoughts on the True Self#

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In the previous sections, we explored the fluidity of emotions and the importance of recognizing one's own emotions, as well as how to establish such abilities. In this final section, I want to leave room for discussions about the self.

For a long time, I felt trapped in a strange loop, playing the role of "self," especially in front of familiar people. This may sound strange, but it is my genuine experience, much like a person who often endures does not suddenly become incredibly stubborn; they should endure.

Whenever I enter a social situation, I feel like floating duckweed on water, often without roots to rely on, struggling between playing different roles. However, life is different from a text-based adventure game; the options are always intricate and there is no standard answer. I try to find balance from multiple angles, but it always seems awkward. The result is that I cannot grasp my true self amidst the diverging, converging, and parallel webs.

During the pandemic, I almost lost all offline social interactions, and it was during this time that I rethought my usual behavior patterns and why I would play a "self" role. When a person is alone, they can always find some medium and means to relieve anxiety; this may serve as a respite from communal life, but relying solely on these cannot forge the strength and courage to face anxiety directly.

After much contemplation, I feel that this state is different from "endurance," nor is it a form of "compromise," but rather a kind of inner disorientation. I think that playing the "self" role may indeed contain some outer shells of the true self, but more so because this performance acts as a safe escape, allowing one to avoid sharp scrutiny and become more sociable.

At 20, I happened to read a novel written by Sally Rooney called "Normal People," a story about the growth of young people. I won't elaborate on the content of the novel here, but I feel that some insights gained from it are worth sharing.

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To follow one's heart and nature to do something that seems very normal comes at a great cost. Furthermore, contemporary society, while advocating for individuality and color, unconsciously implies that conformity is safe.

==Rather than being a good person, I would rather be a whole person. — Jung==

How to find the true self, I cannot provide a very good method, as I have neither practiced meditation nor received formal psychological training.

But one thing I believe everyone can do, and that is effective, is to dig into one's interests and passions, cultivating a hobby that can be sustained. Hobbies not only bring inner fulfillment and satisfaction but also gradually become a bridge to reconnect with the true self.

For example, I first encountered the concept of mechanical keyboards around 2013 or 2014, and since then, I have been deeply engrossed in them. This long-lasting and somewhat niche hobby has helped me continually clarify my existence. So, how to further explore and expand this hobby? Here are some of my experiences and summaries.

Create Your Own Space#

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From early on, playing with mass-produced keyboards (mostly from Taiwan) to now participating in group buys for kits, I believe the most interesting part of playing with keyboards is the assembly and tuning process. During this process, entering a space focused on one's interests is very important.

An independent space, a desk, good lighting, and a comfortable chair—this can be a study, studio, or office desk. Then, gather suitable tools and materials, infusing your personality and interests into this small space. If you love a particular sport, find a suitable venue or route; the process of exercising itself is the best space.

Of course, the most important thing is to set aside time for yourself. This may seem extravagant in an increasingly busy life, but the time spent on hobbies is certainly not wasted.

Such a space also helps us to deeply experience the present, slow down our pace, and concentrate our attention on what we are currently doing. When we are undistracted, we can often feel our existence more profoundly. For example, when reading, the friction between the pages and fingertips; when cycling, the wind brushing against the face, sweat droplets falling from hair.

Join Relevant Communities and Activities#

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If creating your own space is a form of internal shaping, then socializing centered around hobbies is a form of external filling. It’s like the two ventilation settings of a car's air conditioning: internal circulation and external circulation. While internal circulation can quickly control the temperature, over time, the oxygen content decreases, making one feel hot, fatigued, and anxious.

The friends I’ve met through keyboard playing, although few in number, are sincere and interesting. This kind of socializing is different from sacrificing oneself to cater to others or meet social expectations; it is less utilitarian and more pure, maintaining the real self, sharing and exchanging with like-minded people, continuously learning about hobbies, and keeping a desire for growth.

The most important point is to maintain some purity. Do not be swayed by external utilitarianism and vanity; do not change your interests to meet others' expectations, nor pursue so-called "senior" status for the sake of comparison and vanity.

Let your hobbies nourish your inner self and be a source of joy, rather than a burden.

Conclusion#

At the beginning of 2024, looking back at 2023, the pressures of life have not actually diminished. I feel that anxiety is unavoidable; if a person maintains a light spirit, it may be because they have not cultivated the depths of their mental soil, or perhaps they are truly lucky, or perhaps unfortunate.

In one's twenties, it should be a time when life unfolds endlessly before oneself, but I feel this is likely an illusion. Life is full of divergences, and there is no specific direction; confusion often reflects the hard reality of my inner self. But in fact, one does not need to be so rigid or meticulous in living.

When I saw the title of the essay contest, I suddenly remembered an essay I wrote at the beginning of last year, "Some Experiences and Shares on Rediscovering the Sense of Life in 2022."

Looking back at this article, I feel a bit emotional. At the end of the article, I wrote:

After the pandemic, I often think, if my previous life was a forward sprint, what is my current state? If a vibrant and successful life is like a fully inflated tire, then perhaps I was originally just a slightly worn-out tire. The pandemic created a hidden crack in the tire, causing my willpower and the very meaning of life to slowly leak away, ultimately leaving behind an empty shell that could no longer carry my life forward. But it is comforting that no matter how bumpy the road is, in 2022, my life began to roll forward again.

Having some anxiety is also okay. I hope that in the new year, I can continue this forward momentum and live a life full of tension.

🎁 Comments with Prizes: Excellent comments on the finalist articles of the "Relax" essay contest also have the chance to win a 3-month redemption code for the Canned Meditation App or a general discount coupon for paid sections. Everyone is welcome to actively participate in discussions.

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